HEARTFUSION Chapter 1

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HeartFusion: The Magic of Imprinting Water by Jana Shiloh

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Chapter 1 In the Beginning…

My Personal Voyage I had been practicing meditation for five years and had the joy and honor to personally learn from Ram Das, also known as Dr. Richard Alpert, in New Hampshire. After that, for six years I lived in a very intense community of 150 people focused on devotional kundalini yoga, with the powerful teacher whom I loved deeply. I was happy there and had no desire to leave, but in 1981 events conspired to catapult me out and into a new life. After six years in the spiritual community, my former husband, David, decided to leave. I was torn between following him or staying with my teacher, a way of life, and group of people with whom I was deeply connected. Finally I realized this inner conflict was resulting in a serious break down of my health. The indecision tore at me daily. I would wake up depressed, feeling the grip of the love I had for my husband of 14years, and the love I had for my chosen way of life. There is an unbearable agony in the heart when one is torn between two people or two paths, especially if they are both loved. The decision seems impossible; yet any action, or non-action, is still a choice for one or the other.

I had never been great at making decisions and it seemed there was no resolution to this one. I would often burst into tears at sporadic times of the day, and I cried myself to sleep at night. I couldn’t imagine what could await me in the “outside world” that would be as meaningful to me as my life was there. Yet I couldn’t imagine being without David either. He was my only family. If you haven’t lived in a subculture like that, you cannot know how difficult it is to leave after a few years of total immersion. No one from the “outside” of such a subculture could possibly understand how big a decision this is. Being in the community was a total commitment. My life there was completely focused on my spiritual development, experiences, and inner connection. The community supported this. More than anything else I wanted the elusive thing called “enlightenment.” I had read accounts of yogis who had reached a state of total awareness, seeing energy sparkling everywhere and feeling the presence of God in every moment. I imagined if I stayed in the community long enough something would magically happen, and I would be flooded with a bliss lasting the rest of my life! At least I hoped I would have an awareness of the Presence of the Divine in every moment. I had longed for this shift within me, something that would take me from the mundane to the magnificent! I had not wanted the attachments of children or other distractions and had dedicated my whole life, even prior to the community, to this deep inner search. The spiritual community was the outer fulfillment of this inner longing. I needed to feel and be more than just a person working to keep a roof over my head and food in my mouth. Everything I did there had a larger meaning! even washing a wall! It was done for the whole group, the beloved teacher, and for God.

Some would have called this a cult, but for me that was an irrelevant word. I had “grown up” there. I had learned about unconditional love, about how to live with others, to communicate effectively, and to be strong as an individual instead of depending so much on my husband. Living with others is like being a rock in a tumbler! all of the rough edges get ground off and you have to face things about yourself that you didn’t even know were there. In a marriage that is possible, but then you always can just blame the other person for all the wrongs. In a group where everyone sees the same stuff in you, there is no escape. Although it can be extremely painful, if you are committed to growth, in the end you surrender and look at what everyone is telling you. We all had a deep longing for the “Truth,” whether painful or blissful: all of us wanted to grow. There was also a deep closeness between us, in part because we lived together, in part because we shared the same passion. This level of intimacy is rarelyexperienced in our modern day life, even between close friends. I loved the power and depth of connection that was possible with many people who shared my intense desires and passions. If you have not experienced that kind of unity and camaraderie, it is hard to imagine. Have you ever wondered if there were more to life than what you already know?

There is an amazing exhilaration when you discover something that you feel will answer the questions “Why?” or “What is it all about?” Life changes when you find something that gives a new meaning to your life and satisfies that powerful thirst. When I found it, I went into it with all I had. Fortunately, so did my husband. Some never think much about finding that answer, or don’t know where to look for it, and give up. There are so many blind alleys that never satisfy. Often we think if we just had a new house, or a car, or a new baby, more money, or even beautiful new clothes, that one or all of those things would make us happy. But somehow those external things never ultimately do it! The ones who are taken with that search are driven to find the answer, plunging forward (sometimes shocking their family and friends) to pursue it. It could be in the arts, music, or science. For me, I found it in a “spiritual path” of meditation, my new teacher, and the community! all of which totally embodied the intensity I craved. So there I was, six years later, completely submerged in this community. I couldn’t decide whether I should leave it or not, even if it were for a short period of time. Yet I did have to decide. Leaving was seen as choosing the profane over God, choosing the mundane over the ultimate chance of enlighten– meant in this life. You were perceived as being either with “them” or against “them:” there was no in-between. Finally, after weeks of silent agony and tears, I decided to go to a psychic. Now understand that this was a major heresy in our community. To go to a mere psychic when you were with our Divine spiritual teacher was unheard of! But I was in such anguish, I felt I needed a neutral third party, and no one else fit the
bill. I had seen a psychic only once before. It had been while my father was dying, and that experience had been very helpful. The Decision I had heard this psychic was good (not all of them are !and no one is 100% accurate, so ultimately you still have to see what resonates and make your own decisions). As I walked through the door, I saw her sitting at the end of an aisle in a church-like place. She looked up at me and without prompting, before I could even sit down, announced: “You’re whole life is about to change!”

Her statement startled me. She looked me deep in the eyes and said “you will be moving to the southwest and working with herbs, natural remedies and Native Americans.” I sat down, my heart pounding, wondering how she could say all this without giving me a chance to ask her questions. I fumbled, pulling out the two photos I had brought with me, one of my teacher, and one of my husband. After poring over the photos she looked up, said nothing about my teacher, but asked me if I loved my husband. I told her I did. “Then you need to see him within three weeks’ time or the door to that relationship will be closed for this lifetime.” Suddenly, something clicked inside and a new strength and determination took over as I heard her words. I don’t think I would have felt that strength had she said I should stay in the community. I knew in that moment I was going to leave, at least to meet with him, and I vowed to do it within three weeks. I was teaching stress management courses and in-service training courses to teachers and policemen, and was also doing special classes for the elderly and indigent. It took a lot to finish all the courses earlier than expected, organize my life, buy a used station wagon, pack all of my possessions, and hit the road in less than three weeks! But my course was set and it all seemed right. Suddenly I knew it was my life to lead, “right or wrong,” “blowing” my enlightenment or not.

I needed to get clear about whether I was to be with David, or return to the community and my teacher. Even if I was “spiritually blowing it” by leaving, as I was told, I saw that I had to be true to myself. There was no way to “fool God,” if you will. Staying in the community with my teacher, when my heart wasn’t totally in it, would never have won me a ticket to enlightenment! even if it were the “right” thing for my soul! But then, who could really know what would be the right thing for my soul? Immediately after leaving the community I drove to Santa Fe to meet David (we were coming from opposite sides of the country). I drove the 36 hours to Santa Fe with only about eight hours of napping along the way. However the meeting was pretty disastrous. He had already started to see another woman when I had been undecided about leaving the community. At the end of two difficult days he announced his decision to return home. David said, “You could come out to where I am living now, but I cannot promise anything, or how often I would see you.” I flared with hurt and anger but said nothing. Walking into the other room I called a friend in Boulder.

I used to live with her in the community, and I told her what had happened. She invited me to visit her in Boulder. I knew I needed a break; since I had already left the community, I decided to take more time to be with myself and just BE. David and I parted, unsure of what the future held for either one of us! apart or together. I jumped into the car, speeding and crying all the way to Boulder, with the torture of the only music on the radio: country western. I was at a loss for what to do, and was too emotional to make a final decision about returning to the community. Instead, I took the opportunity to be on my own for the first time ever, and utilize my meager savings to make a final decision. I was at a crossroads in my life and I knew how important that decision would be… and the words of the psychic were ringing in my ears. In the end it was neither of the above! not husband or teacher…But that painful indecision and subsequent experience ultimately led me into a greater inner strength, and my new passion:
homeopathy.